Marriage is one of those subjects where almost everyone brings something to the conversation. We have been trained by what we saw growing up, by past relationships, by TikTok videos, Instagram posts, sitcoms, professors, influencers, and even by Christian voices that sometimes pull ideas out of context.

But what if, instead of allowing culture to train us, we allowed the words of Jesus and Scripture to retrain the way we think about marriage?

In Ephesians 5, Paul gives us a picture of marriage that is radically different from a fight over who gets to be in charge. It is a picture of two people learning to become more like Jesus by serving one another. 

Submit to One Another

Ephesians 5:21 begins with a command that sets the tone for everything that follows:

“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”

The word submit can make us uncomfortable. But biblical submission is not coercion, domination, or weakness. It is willingly placing yourself below another person in order to lift them up.

And that is not simply a command for wives. It is the normal way of the Christian life.

Jesus showed us that leadership is service. Following Him means showing up with a towel over your arm, willing to do the grunt work, willing to serve, and willing to become the least.

Paul tells wives to submit to their husbands. But then look at what he tells husbands:

Love your wife. Give yourself up for her. Care for her. Feed her.

That is not a command to dominate. It is a command to sacrifice.

Jesus loved His bride by giving Himself for her. In the same way, a husband is called to sacrifice for his wife in order to lift her up.

Sometimes Ephesians 5 gets interpreted like an I formation:

Husband on top.
Wife underneath.
One person leads.
The other follows.

But the passage never actually says, “Husbands, lead your wives.” It says, “Husbands, love your wives.”

When the whole passage is taken together, marriage looks much more like an X formation.

The wife submits to her husband. The husband gives himself up for his wife. Both are moving downward in order to lift the other person upward.

It is a race for the bottom.

That shows up in ordinary life. It is doing the laundry, fixing the broken stair, taking care of the kids, letting your spouse pick the side of the bed, giving them the better car, sacrificing financially, or simply deciding that something is not important enough for you to get your way.

Healthy marriage isn't two people constantly jockeying for first place.

It is two people repeatedly saying, “You go first.”

You Are on the Same Team

There will be decisions in marriage where two people disagree. But the goal should not be figuring out who has enough authority to win.

Sometimes the answer is simple: this isn't a big deal, so let the other person choose.

Sometimes one spouse has more expertise, so you defer to them.

And sometimes the issue really matters. In those moments, you pray, seek wise counsel, keep talking, and wait on the Lord together.

Why?

Because your spouse isn't your opponent.

You are on the same team.

A great marriage is made up of intimate allies who advocate for one another and celebrate one another's victories. God designed marriage as a lifelong relationship where two people work through their differences, grow closer, and become one.

Paul's picture of the husband as the “head” of the wife has been interpreted in several ways. The Greek word kephale can carry ideas of leader, source, or simply the physical relationship between a head and a body. Christians have disagreed over precisely how that language should be understood.

But Ephesians 5 keeps bringing us back to the same reality: oneness.

The husband and wife become “one flesh.” Neither is disposable. Neither is the enemy. They belong to one another.

A Race Worth Running

Nobody naturally trains us for the X formation.

TikTok teaches us to keep score. Sitcoms teach us to make our spouse the punchline. Instagram invites us to compare our marriage with someone else's highlight reel.

Everything around us seems to teach:

My way. My needs. Me first.

But God's design looks different.

It is a race for the bottom.

Two people trying to out-serve each other. Two people willing to take the worse parking spot, make the harder financial choice, do the unwanted chore, or surrender their preference—not because someone is keeping score, but because that is what love trained by Jesus looks like.

Marriage will never be perfect. We will fail at this and keep learning.

But there is a much better question than, “Who gets to be in charge?”

The better question is:

“How can I serve the person God has given me today?”

Submit to Jesus first.

Then submit to each other.

Everything else is commentary. 

Message recap adapted from the August 9, 2026, message by Minister Mark Ashton.

Message Notes & Slides

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